Hello Again

So, it’s been quite some time. Things have changed. People have changed. I have changed.

So I might possibly have a mild kidney disease. Or it might possibly just be sand in my kidney. I wish I could be more certain.

I’ve had so many expensive, time consuming tests that have yielded very little information. It’s hard for others (especially doctors) to understand just how much I’ve gone through, how much I’m going through, and how I’m still standing. Am I supposed to give up? Would people understand me better if I did?

People change. It’s hard to completely let go of the past. It’s hard to watch people you’ve left change and become different people. Almost as if you were the one holding them back. Except, you have to remind yourself that you were the strong one. You were the one keeping it all together. But it’s hard when they don’t include you in their life and they are completely okay with that. Perhaps I should just forget it. Forget them. Move on. Yeah, let’s do that.

Yesterday

Yesterday marked 7 years of change.  7 years.  Just typing it makes it seems like such a long time, but when I think of it in my head it seems so close behind me.

Seven years ago my life changed.  I dislike change, well, drastic change at least.  Everything changed in an instant.  Sometimes I still like to imagine that it didn’t.  That things are the way they always were.  That’s he’s still around.  But then, you know, I get a flash of reality and my eyes well up and I have to say…. “I miss you, Dad.”

In like a month it will mark a year’s worth of change.  Somewhat drastic change.  But this change has had more visible positive effects on my life and so I don’t find myself crying over it.  That was a big change after 7 years, too.  Wow.  I don’t like 7′s at the moment.

I have Honey. I have Jarod. I have a job (for now). I have a place to live. I’m not dying. I have a car. I’m not starving. I have lovely friends. I will make it through. I will.  I must.  I can. I am.

let me preface this by saying… i wrote this in college

you held me last night

and everything seemed ok

i cried then

but only because i was happy

you let go this morning

and all was not right

and i cried then

because i was broken

you left this afternoon

and took everything away

so i cried then

because i lost all that i knew

you came back tonight

and everything was ok

i cried again

but only because i was happy

and then

you held me all night

and everything seemed ok

and i cried then

because you were there

you let go in the morning

and all was not right

and i cried then

because you were broken

the smiles faded from my face

tears rolled down my cheeks

but i was happy then

because i lost all that i knew

Anxiety Overload

Anxiety butterflies.  They come in cycles.  I have started taking the medication for anxiety again.  Work’s policy of not telling me when they have issues with me but telling everyone else in the office is really starting to take its toll on me.  Not to mention the fact that they posted my job online and are probably not going to tell me until the day they hire my replacement.

I have seriously never had any management that runs their business like this.  Complete disregard for their employees.  I would almost prefer that they brought me into their office and yelled at me and told me how sucky I was.  At least then I would know.  But all that keeps flashing in my head is that day they said “If the boss has a problem with you, you’ll be the first to know.”  I am not the first to know.  I will never know. Such a lie.  You know, it’s horrible because they are treating us like we are not people.  That we don’t have feelings that need to be respected.

My coworker tells me that their biggest problem with me is that they feel I call out often.  That I do it mostly on Mondays and Fridays.  It’s really not true if you look over my history.  But compared to everyone else (who are not suffering from medical issues mind you), I call out often.  And again, I have vacation and sick days.  If you give them to me and I need them, I will use them.  It does not make much sense to me.  I have stopped telling them my specific issues because I’m tired of them prying into my personal life if they aren’t going to at least be a tiny bit sympathetic.  I do the job duties assigned to me.  I make up the time. But because I’m not out there scheming up some magical way for them to make millions, I am obviously not doing enough.

See where the anxiety comes from? I hate being made to feel like I don’t belong.  I hate being made to feel like I’ve done something wrong.  I hate to be made to feel inadequate.  I have tried.  I truly have.  After nearly 2.5 years of not ever being praised it gets to be a downer.

I am axiously (the acceptable kind of axiety) awaiting to hear back from another company for a 2nd interview.  I have looked up a few different avenues to report this horrible misbehavior to the state.  If no one else is going to speak up, I will … but on my way out.  Just imagining the atmosphere it will bring if I say something now causes me to almost go into a panic.  I hate that.

I really hope that I can have some posts in a rainbow and sunshine category.

Thoughts on Things and Stuff

I feel like I should write some things down.  It probably won’t get me anywhere, but hey, that seems to be a recurring theme in my life.  I’m not getting anywhere, but I’m still doing it.

Endings.  They are hard sometimes.  I have been very upset every time someone asks me what happened and how I am feeling.  To the point where I tear up at the drop of a hat.  I don’t like this feeling at all.  But once he moved all the way out on Monday, the ending got easier.  I found myself standing in an empty, echo-y apartment and I was ok with that.  But then once I got to my other apartment and just sat there, alone, I felt like I should feel something more.  I’m sure I will considering just writing this makes me feel things.

Removing stress feels so weird.  I’ve been so stressed out for so long that finally being relaxed is odd and I don’t know what to do with myself.  But I’m sure the stress will be back soon.  Y’know, when I finally realize that I gave a deadline of the end of the month for a website that I have not begun to really tackle yet.  Laziness prevails.  I still have a lot of shit to move & clean.  I have a lot of website work to do.  I have a lot of bills to pay.  I have a lot of shit to do.

I am very grateful for the new friends I’ve made, though.  Without them I don’t think I would have been able to get out of my situation or even function beyond that decision. I’ve spent my time doing fun things with them when I should have been at home working.  But that’s ok with me.

But I really should work on being independent, since ultimately that’s what I should be.  I’ve always been independent; growing up way too early for my liking.  I have absorbed so much stress from my family, from having to be grown up enough to grasp the situations at hand and be the rock for my mother even though she doesn’t ever listen to me.  I had to hear some hard news again the other day from my younger sister and it really made us both cry and there’s not much we can do about it.  If you’re being abused and you tell someone, particularly your teenage daughter, but then tell them not to tell anyone… do you really understand what you’ve just done?  The weight you’ve just made them bear?  No, I don’t think you do.  Do you expect us to ignore your request to keep it quiet?  Or is that your way of saying help me?  Because I really don’t know what to do.  See? My life is just so messed up.

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.  That’s all we ever seem to do and it is very detrimental to all of our healths.  We know how we feel.  We know what we should be saying to each other.  But we don’t.  Because… because we just think we shouldn’t.  And that is really stupid.

Don’t give up on me
I’m about to come alive

This is why I cry

Costochondritis is a condition that causes chest pain due to inflammation of the cartilage and bones in the chest wall. Also called Tietze’s Syndrome, costochondritis occurs when there is inflammation at the junction of the rib bone and breastbone (sternum). At this junction, there is cartilage joining these bones. This cartilage can become irritated and inflamed. Depending on the extent of the inflammation, costochondritis can be quite painful.

Costochondritis pain is usually worsened by activity or exercise. Often the pain is worsened when taking a deep breath. This stretches the inflamed cartilage and can cause significant pain. Touching the area involved by costochondritis can be extremely painful for the patient.Most of the time, the pain associated with costochondritis significantly improves within the first 4-8 weeks. While some pain may persist, it is usually mild and only associated with strenuous activity. All symptoms of pain should resolve within six months. Costochondritis may return, but it is unlikely to do so.

—-

4-8 weeks?  It’s been 5 years.  And my doctor still suggests I continue going to the gym.  I guess I can’t win:  I can be fat and without pain or in shape and in pain.

This is no fun.

I think this is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown.

A Step In the Right Direction

Today I wrote my official 60 day notice to my apartment.  I am moving.  I am.  Really.  No turning back now.

Dear Internet …

I would like to wake up one morning and not dry heave my brains out. Do you think you can make this happen?

Audio in a JPG Format?

I'm happy, just allergic to smiling

Hello, again, Mr WordPress Blog. I was going to share a song or two, but apparently your “audio upload” button is just a tease.

Today I overslept for my car appointment, but managed to get there only 25 mins late!  Thank goodness they still allowed me to keep my appointment.

I should totally be creating this dude’s website today … but I just don’t have the motivation.  Really, I need to have it done soon because I have 2 other people waiting.  But all this work just seems like …. well, work.  My official job has made me want to avoid all work and that’s not going over so well for my freelance deadlines.  I have too much to do so I just don’t do anything.

But blog. Ha, I seem to have the motivation to write about how unmotivated I am.  I guess I will have to avoid more work by going shopping and buying something to eat since the chocolate pudding just isn’t cutting it for brunch today.  But first, I have to wait for my pant legs to dry … damn you puddles!  See… I’m still good at putting things off.