Anxiety Overload

Anxiety butterflies.  They come in cycles.  I have started taking the medication for anxiety again.  Work’s policy of not telling me when they have issues with me but telling everyone else in the office is really starting to take its toll on me.  Not to mention the fact that they posted my job online and are probably not going to tell me until the day they hire my replacement.

I have seriously never had any management that runs their business like this.  Complete disregard for their employees.  I would almost prefer that they brought me into their office and yelled at me and told me how sucky I was.  At least then I would know.  But all that keeps flashing in my head is that day they said “If the boss has a problem with you, you’ll be the first to know.”  I am not the first to know.  I will never know. Such a lie.  You know, it’s horrible because they are treating us like we are not people.  That we don’t have feelings that need to be respected.

My coworker tells me that their biggest problem with me is that they feel I call out often.  That I do it mostly on Mondays and Fridays.  It’s really not true if you look over my history.  But compared to everyone else (who are not suffering from medical issues mind you), I call out often.  And again, I have vacation and sick days.  If you give them to me and I need them, I will use them.  It does not make much sense to me.  I have stopped telling them my specific issues because I’m tired of them prying into my personal life if they aren’t going to at least be a tiny bit sympathetic.  I do the job duties assigned to me.  I make up the time. But because I’m not out there scheming up some magical way for them to make millions, I am obviously not doing enough.

See where the anxiety comes from? I hate being made to feel like I don’t belong.  I hate being made to feel like I’ve done something wrong.  I hate to be made to feel inadequate.  I have tried.  I truly have.  After nearly 2.5 years of not ever being praised it gets to be a downer.

I am axiously (the acceptable kind of axiety) awaiting to hear back from another company for a 2nd interview.  I have looked up a few different avenues to report this horrible misbehavior to the state.  If no one else is going to speak up, I will … but on my way out.  Just imagining the atmosphere it will bring if I say something now causes me to almost go into a panic.  I hate that.

I really hope that I can have some posts in a rainbow and sunshine category.

Thoughts on Things and Stuff

I feel like I should write some things down.  It probably won’t get me anywhere, but hey, that seems to be a recurring theme in my life.  I’m not getting anywhere, but I’m still doing it.

Endings.  They are hard sometimes.  I have been very upset every time someone asks me what happened and how I am feeling.  To the point where I tear up at the drop of a hat.  I don’t like this feeling at all.  But once he moved all the way out on Monday, the ending got easier.  I found myself standing in an empty, echo-y apartment and I was ok with that.  But then once I got to my other apartment and just sat there, alone, I felt like I should feel something more.  I’m sure I will considering just writing this makes me feel things.

Removing stress feels so weird.  I’ve been so stressed out for so long that finally being relaxed is odd and I don’t know what to do with myself.  But I’m sure the stress will be back soon.  Y’know, when I finally realize that I gave a deadline of the end of the month for a website that I have not begun to really tackle yet.  Laziness prevails.  I still have a lot of shit to move & clean.  I have a lot of website work to do.  I have a lot of bills to pay.  I have a lot of shit to do.

I am very grateful for the new friends I’ve made, though.  Without them I don’t think I would have been able to get out of my situation or even function beyond that decision. I’ve spent my time doing fun things with them when I should have been at home working.  But that’s ok with me.

But I really should work on being independent, since ultimately that’s what I should be.  I’ve always been independent; growing up way too early for my liking.  I have absorbed so much stress from my family, from having to be grown up enough to grasp the situations at hand and be the rock for my mother even though she doesn’t ever listen to me.  I had to hear some hard news again the other day from my younger sister and it really made us both cry and there’s not much we can do about it.  If you’re being abused and you tell someone, particularly your teenage daughter, but then tell them not to tell anyone… do you really understand what you’ve just done?  The weight you’ve just made them bear?  No, I don’t think you do.  Do you expect us to ignore your request to keep it quiet?  Or is that your way of saying help me?  Because I really don’t know what to do.  See? My life is just so messed up.

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.  That’s all we ever seem to do and it is very detrimental to all of our healths.  We know how we feel.  We know what we should be saying to each other.  But we don’t.  Because… because we just think we shouldn’t.  And that is really stupid.

Don’t give up on me
I’m about to come alive

This is why I cry

Costochondritis is a condition that causes chest pain due to inflammation of the cartilage and bones in the chest wall. Also called Tietze’s Syndrome, costochondritis occurs when there is inflammation at the junction of the rib bone and breastbone (sternum). At this junction, there is cartilage joining these bones. This cartilage can become irritated and inflamed. Depending on the extent of the inflammation, costochondritis can be quite painful.

Costochondritis pain is usually worsened by activity or exercise. Often the pain is worsened when taking a deep breath. This stretches the inflamed cartilage and can cause significant pain. Touching the area involved by costochondritis can be extremely painful for the patient.Most of the time, the pain associated with costochondritis significantly improves within the first 4-8 weeks. While some pain may persist, it is usually mild and only associated with strenuous activity. All symptoms of pain should resolve within six months. Costochondritis may return, but it is unlikely to do so.

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4-8 weeks?  It’s been 5 years.  And my doctor still suggests I continue going to the gym.  I guess I can’t win:  I can be fat and without pain or in shape and in pain.

This is no fun.

I think this is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown.

A Step In the Right Direction

Today I wrote my official 60 day notice to my apartment.  I am moving.  I am.  Really.  No turning back now.

Dear Internet …

I would like to wake up one morning and not dry heave my brains out. Do you think you can make this happen?

Audio in a JPG Format?

I'm happy, just allergic to smiling

Hello, again, Mr WordPress Blog. I was going to share a song or two, but apparently your “audio upload” button is just a tease.

Today I overslept for my car appointment, but managed to get there only 25 mins late!  Thank goodness they still allowed me to keep my appointment.

I should totally be creating this dude’s website today … but I just don’t have the motivation.  Really, I need to have it done soon because I have 2 other people waiting.  But all this work just seems like …. well, work.  My official job has made me want to avoid all work and that’s not going over so well for my freelance deadlines.  I have too much to do so I just don’t do anything.

But blog. Ha, I seem to have the motivation to write about how unmotivated I am.  I guess I will have to avoid more work by going shopping and buying something to eat since the chocolate pudding just isn’t cutting it for brunch today.  But first, I have to wait for my pant legs to dry … damn you puddles!  See… I’m still good at putting things off.

Here Comes A Storm

Keeping with my cheesy blog theme: I think there’s big rain storm approaching.  And it’s just going to fall on me.  Sorta like the rain cloud that followed Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh.

I’ve come to realize that sometimes trying is not good enough for some people.  I never really had to deal with this until I moved down here.  It was scary enough making the decision to uproot myself from my other less than perfect job and get the ‘balls’ to change everything.  Change is good sometimes, but it is also very scary.
I’ve also come to realize that any position that is described as “take it wherever you want it to go” and “you’re in charge; like you’re an entrepreneurial company within our company” is bad for me.  You’d think it would be awesome, but no, not when you’re not really in charge and can’t take it where *you* want it to go.  There’s always the higher authority to answer to, which is fine.  But give me a little credit.  I’m young, but I’ve been out there learning for a while.

So here comes another wave of change.  I intend to move from the outskirts of town closer to downtown.  Perhaps if I’m closer to USM I will finally make up my mind about the MBA.  They keep sending me reminder emails to take the GMAT and I read them and say, “Oh, yeah, I should do that.” I even mark it down in my dumb little calendar book (I’m not cool enough to have a fancy phone with this shit on it).  And I never act on it.  I bought the study guides for the GMAT — they are sitting in the bottom of a box of junk next to my computer.

I intended to move last year, but the thought of finding a new place and giving notice here in the correct amount of time and *omg what if I don’t find something in time* got the better of me.  But this year… yes, I’m going to move.  I promise!

And now the stormclouds of work are looming.  I thought I was doing okay.  I thought they enjoyed the work I was doing.  I wasn’t as successful at the projects as they wanted me to be, but they also limited a lot of the avenues I was trying to use to reach that success.  I know it sounds like I’m just blaming them, but really, they are at fault.  If you don’t give me a budget or goals … what am I supposed to do?

In roll the dim grey clouds of “he told her to tell me to tell you” that you’re on your way out the door.  I just don’t understand how they can discredit everything I’ve done.  But I’m trying not to dwell on it.  Let it go.

But in case you were wondering what I do at my job:

-process ftp/cd requests of radio infomercials (aka sending them to stations to air)

-manage 2 ebay stores of inventory (random stuff & corvette related stuff)

-manage 7 e-commerce sites filled with random stuff

-manage 2 regular websites

-upload and distribute podcasts

-email marketing for said websites & new media business

-assist the media buyer in collecting available times & rates from radio stations

-send traffic insertions to radio stations for current media schedules & follow up

-analyze phone call data and create reports

-organize and create excel files of call center and media assignments

And this is not enough? Apparently not because it doesn’t generate *enough* revenue.  I’m always suckered into the “oh, I didn’t know you could do that… here make me 3″ jobs.  Ok, ok, I said I wouldn’t dwell on it.

Tune in next time when I report live from the center of the storm!  Maybe it’ll end with a rainbow!

The War on Grapefruit

I’ve never really liked grapefruit all that much.  It’s always been so sour to me and the thought of having to dump tons of sugar on a fruit to make it taste good is just… ugh.

After reading the fine print of the “drug interactions” section of my boyfriend’s thyroid medicine I found that grapefruit juice interacts badly with it.  Grapefruit juice inhibits a chemical in the intestine needed to break down many drugs in the body. The absence of this chemical can lead to higher blood levels. In effect, the drug becomes more potent.

He’s been on this medication for quite some time and I’m constantly on the lookout for things that have grapefruit juice in them.  This is bad for him because he actually likes grapefruit.

I recently switched a medication and found in the fine print that grapefruit has a negative effect on it as well.

It’s more common than you think! Check your medications.  Google “grapefruit juice + [insert medication name here]” and see what you get.

Damn you grapefruits – you ruin everything.

The Elusive Online MBA

It’s been nothing but a headache trying to find the “right” online MBA program to invest in.  Especially since I haven’t taken the GMAT and I’m not entirely sure I even want to get an MBA anymore.